In my head there is a lot going on. Wedding plan stuff, Texas stuff, helping my brother start a lawn care business, jaw surgery, helping out with EPIC, bettering my relationship with God, with Allyson, and with other people. Oh, and house stuff...which there is never a shortage of house things to do! EVER. (Which reminds me I need to turn down the water heater...the waters' been too hot.) So I have all this 'stuff' going on, but I am not good at verbalizing any of it. At least not in any depth. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a fear of being rejected. Of not being liked, of not being good enough, of being dumb, etc... I think that deep seeded fear is mostly what keeps me from verbalizing my thoughts.
Another part of why I have a difficult time, especially with spiritual thoughts, is be I think due to the general population saying that those types of thoughts should be kept private. Not to make excuses for myself by any means. Its just something that I think I have fallen under the influence of.
The first step is recognizing that there is a problem though, right? I don't want fear to run my life. To prevent me from having fruitful, and thought provoking conversations. Here's to letting fear go!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Today is April 16th, and it feels like the load of the world has been lifted. When I was in college I would generally hold off studying or doing take home tests until the last minute. That usually meant that I was a little bit stressed out, and rather rushed to make sure everything is done and that it is acceptable to turn in. Then, once it is turned in there is a big sigh of relief. Today, for me, that big sigh of relief is today. Tax season is over. I can sit back a little, everything isn't quite as rushed. Back to the normal pace. Breath. It's a nice feeling.